Anger, Night Terrors, Every Day Life

Normal left our family a long time ago. Our life before CPS was an everyday same routine. Now it all depends on each person's moods in this house. There is 3 of us with depression and PTSD so moods go from happy to crying to just mad and yelling.

The night terrors are the worst most of the time. Mindy, Clint and I have them terrible. We jump out of the bed screaming and yelling. We hit walls. We don't know we are doing it and don't remember doing it the next day. The thing with these PTSD night terrors is you don't touch the person when they are doing it. You are reliving what happened to you. They are terrible.

Its hard to deal with your own PTSD and depression when your trying to help your kids deal with it. How do you help them when you don't have the answers for them?

The anger I have and my kids have toward CPS and KSP will never go away. I can't explain to them why what happened happened or how to make it better. They are angry for being jerked away from us. They are angry for never being allowed to say what we were accused of is a lie. They are angry for being mistreated in foster homes. There is so much anger from all of us.

Jeff had only been away from me one time in his life in 9 years before foster care. He was a mama's boy. He hugged me and told me he loved me 10 times a day. When he came home he had been mistreated in foster care and drugged. I remember telling him he couldn't do something one day and him getting in my face and saying what you gonna do about it bitch?. I just turned around and walked off and didn't say a word. NEVER in his life would he ever have spoke to me like that before foster care. He has gotten a lot better but he still has his days. Some days he will just get so mad he will cry and say he just doesn't understand why they did what they did to us. He goes from calm to plain downright pissed off and can't think in 2 seconds. He will be 12 this year and he still sneaks in our bed every night. He doesn't want to go anywhere away from us. He is fine with his friends coming over here but he won't stay with friends. He doesn't want anyone to know they were in foster care. He doesn't want anyone to know anything that happened. Before foster care him and Mindy was VERY close. Now they are not. While they were in foster care they weren't even allowed to step in each others rooms or hug each other if one was crying. I am slowly getting my baby back but he will never be the same.

Mindy has night terrors every night. Her moods are crazy. One minute she is happy and the next she is crying. Yes she is in counseling and on medicine. Her night terrors are of being taken away from us and the detective grabbing her arm and screaming in her face. Plus she was sexually abused by a former foster dad and has to deal with that. She lives in fear of him coming after her every day. Mindy has a lot of guilt for telling what happened because she feels that is why I can't see my parents and why my siblings turned on me. Her guilt over that will never go away no matter what we say to her.

Clint has missed a lot of school this year. He actually got ulcers from this crap and was in the hospital from that. This caused tension migraines and he was in the hospital from that. Then he got so depressed he went to bed and wouldn't get up. He cried for a day and a half straight. He lost 20 pounds in one month. I tried and tried to pull him out of it and couldn't  He finally said he needed to go to the mental part of Kosiars and get help. He was there for a week and I missed him like crazy. His behaviour when he first came home was a lot like Jeffs. He has turned around 75%.  He is very very close to my parents and brothers and can't see my parents due to the no contact order with my brother because he still lives at home. He is very angry and depressed over that. He wants my mom to come here and stay a few days and she can't because of my brothers and he resents that also.

Each day is a little better for the most part. What keeps us going is each other supporting each other and the kids knowing I am still fighting trying to find someone to sue CPS and KSP. And now trying to help other foster kids and making a positive out of this negative. No matter what the five of us will always stick together. 

Crying and my health

I don't care what I did I just could not get it together. I couldn't stop crying to save my life. I had never in my life been one to cry or show my feelings and I had cried for a solid week and couldn't stop.

Bless my poor mother in laws heart I think I scared her to death. We had stopped by her house after court and I stayed in the car to try and get it together. I couldn't no matter how hard I tried. I got out of the car and went in the house and remember sinking down on the couch and losing it. I cried and cried and yelled I just could not live without my kids and more. I didn't look at her but I know she was confused. She just started talking and telling me to be strong for the kids and I just kept saying I couldn't and I didn't want to live without them. My husband came over and hugged me and I finally got it together enough to leave.

We went to Kroger and when i walked in and say a little kid I fell apart again. My husband finally told me I had to stop and get it together because he couldn't deal with it.

The whole time I had been in jail I had severe chest pain and begged that they call and a Doctor and they refused. Plus I had stopped eating and drinking. After court I went to see my cardiologist and my blood pressure was high and heart rate was high. My heart felt like it was going to jump from my chest. My potassium had dropped so low I had to go to the hospital and have potassium ran thru an iv. It was so low it could have killed me but yet the jail let me lay there for a week like that. A few months later they found out I also had three more blocked arteries in my heart. But the jail said there was nothing wrong with me. Wrong!!

Going Home

We got out of jail late Sunday night. I remember sitting outside waiting and thinking what do I do from here? What do I do if they don't let my husband out? Where do I start? How do I find my kids? How do I get them back?

I wasn't sure how to go home without my kids being there. I know I was SO thankful that my dogs were there for me to go home to. My in laws had taken me home and my husband was with Caleb picking his car up.

My best friend had been going to the house and taking care of our dogs. They were so glad to see me! But I was so lost without my kids being there. No one knows what it is like to one minute your life be good with your kids and the next minute all three kids are gone.

I remember sobbing like there was no tomorrow that night. I felt so alone. I had no idea where my kids were or if they was ok or not. I walked thru the house and was just lost.

I had been told at 18 yrs old I would never have kids and God Blessed me with three great kids. From day one of being pregnant my life revolved around my kids. They were my pride and joy, my life, my everything. How would I go on without them?

What?

The Trooper that took me to the jail was actually a very nice man. He had remembered my kids from Troopers Island and talked highly of them. Now that I sit and think back I was rude to him. He let me get out and smoke before he took me in the jail and I told him I had always been taught to have respect for the police but now I wouldn't spit on them if they were on fire. He just got this look but said nothing. 

As we were waiting to go in the jail I saw my dad. He looked at me and turned his head. I will never ever in my life forget the look on his face. This was the man who had worked his whole life enforcing the law and we was always so proud of him and his job and so was he. Now he had been arrested because of lies. I remember as I was talking to the bail bondsman I was watching him pace back and forth in his cell and I kept telling her they need to check on him because his heart is very very bad. Come to find out months later he actually had a heart attack while there and his defibrillator shocked his heart. Hours and hours later he got to leave OR. As he walked by the cell I was in he just looked at me and walked off. I just cried and cried and knew my dad would never be the same again and he would never love me like he had before.

When they brought my husband in I could tell just by looking at him he was so mad. He just looked at me and turned his head. I was so hurt. I couldn't figure out what the heck was even going on much less deal with everyone being so mad at me. I finally got to use the phone after hours and hours. I called my mom and she was screaming at me how I had ruined my brothers life and how my dad had worked so hard his whole life at enforcing the law and now was in jail. I finally told her I didn't have to listen to that crap and hung up on her. Later I realized she was just as upset as I was about what was going on but I knew we would never be close again.

I got to jail early that day and was refused a phone call until up in the night. It was cold. I couldn't stop crying no matter what. All I could think about was my kids. Where were they? Were they ok? When would I see them again? It didn't take long for me to loose the will to live....
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