Reaching Out

I did it. I reached out to the someone for the first time in 3 years. I'm conflicted on if I did the right thing or not.

I reached out to One Tucker At A Time who I spoke about in my previous post. Do you know this is the first person I have actually reached out and told our whole story to that I don't even know? I have a FEW friends that know and they are very close friends that saw it on the news is probably the only reason they know. I don't know if I would have even told them.

I have been told I should do counseling for my PTSD and anger but wont even do that because its so hard to talk to anyone about what happened.

Now I guess we will wait and see what happens. I hope this doesn't turn around to bite me in the butt and hurt where we live and my kids.

Anger, Night Terrors, Every Day Life

Normal left our family a long time ago. Our life before CPS was an everyday same routine. Now it all depends on each person's moods in this house. There is 3 of us with depression and PTSD so moods go from happy to crying to just mad and yelling.

The night terrors are the worst most of the time. Mindy, Clint and I have them terrible. We jump out of the bed screaming and yelling. We hit walls. We don't know we are doing it and don't remember doing it the next day. The thing with these PTSD night terrors is you don't touch the person when they are doing it. You are reliving what happened to you. They are terrible.

Its hard to deal with your own PTSD and depression when your trying to help your kids deal with it. How do you help them when you don't have the answers for them?

The anger I have and my kids have toward CPS and KSP will never go away. I can't explain to them why what happened happened or how to make it better. They are angry for being jerked away from us. They are angry for never being allowed to say what we were accused of is a lie. They are angry for being mistreated in foster homes. There is so much anger from all of us.

Jeff had only been away from me one time in his life in 9 years before foster care. He was a mama's boy. He hugged me and told me he loved me 10 times a day. When he came home he had been mistreated in foster care and drugged. I remember telling him he couldn't do something one day and him getting in my face and saying what you gonna do about it bitch?. I just turned around and walked off and didn't say a word. NEVER in his life would he ever have spoke to me like that before foster care. He has gotten a lot better but he still has his days. Some days he will just get so mad he will cry and say he just doesn't understand why they did what they did to us. He goes from calm to plain downright pissed off and can't think in 2 seconds. He will be 12 this year and he still sneaks in our bed every night. He doesn't want to go anywhere away from us. He is fine with his friends coming over here but he won't stay with friends. He doesn't want anyone to know they were in foster care. He doesn't want anyone to know anything that happened. Before foster care him and Mindy was VERY close. Now they are not. While they were in foster care they weren't even allowed to step in each others rooms or hug each other if one was crying. I am slowly getting my baby back but he will never be the same.

Mindy has night terrors every night. Her moods are crazy. One minute she is happy and the next she is crying. Yes she is in counseling and on medicine. Her night terrors are of being taken away from us and the detective grabbing her arm and screaming in her face. Plus she was sexually abused by a former foster dad and has to deal with that. She lives in fear of him coming after her every day. Mindy has a lot of guilt for telling what happened because she feels that is why I can't see my parents and why my siblings turned on me. Her guilt over that will never go away no matter what we say to her.

Clint has missed a lot of school this year. He actually got ulcers from this crap and was in the hospital from that. This caused tension migraines and he was in the hospital from that. Then he got so depressed he went to bed and wouldn't get up. He cried for a day and a half straight. He lost 20 pounds in one month. I tried and tried to pull him out of it and couldn't  He finally said he needed to go to the mental part of Kosiars and get help. He was there for a week and I missed him like crazy. His behaviour when he first came home was a lot like Jeffs. He has turned around 75%.  He is very very close to my parents and brothers and can't see my parents due to the no contact order with my brother because he still lives at home. He is very angry and depressed over that. He wants my mom to come here and stay a few days and she can't because of my brothers and he resents that also.

Each day is a little better for the most part. What keeps us going is each other supporting each other and the kids knowing I am still fighting trying to find someone to sue CPS and KSP. And now trying to help other foster kids and making a positive out of this negative. No matter what the five of us will always stick together. 

PTSD, Anxiety and more

I have been diagnosed with severe PTSD from this traumatic event. The Doctor said it was as bad as someone that had seen terrible things in war. I have awful night terrors. I beat my husband. I stand on the bed and beat the walls and scream and yell. I jump off the bed. So far I have dislocated my elbow, shoulder and broke my foot in three paces not counting the endless bruises. I have severe anxiety.  I don't want the kids out of my sight even for school. I have told them they can trust no one because of how people lied. I have days when I just cry and the kids don't like that much. They are not used to seeing me cry so they don't know what to think. They always said I was overprotective before this happened and now they say I'm very over protective.

Clint was also diagnosed with PTSD. He suffers severe anxiety. He got so depressed he was in Kosairs for over a week. He lost over 20 pounds and went to bed and slept and cried. He never cries but one night he started crying and cried for a day and a half non stop. He said he hadn't cried since it all happened and now it just all came out. He also was very sick and in Kosairs for a week and had several tests done. Come to find out he had ulcers from all of this. He was very close to my parents and brothers and isn't allowed contact with my brother and can't see my parents because my brother still lives at home. His sleeping is as wild as mine. He jumps out of the bed screaming and yelling. He used to want to be a State Trooper and follow in my dads footsteps but no longer wants any part of that. Clint is MMD to start with and has suffered anxiety since CPS went to school and stripped him naked when he was about 5/6 and even went so far as to touch his penis. As usual we couldn't get anyone to help us even then. Every since that happened his anxiety has been terrible.